洪旭考试

2010-7-10 深圳考试     

6.5  （写作之前两次为5.5 、阅读：7.5）

分析要点：论据扩展句在高分时的重要意义

Some one think that younger people are not suitable for the important positions in government of countries, but some theirs think it is a good idea for younger people to take on the positions. pls dicuss the both  views and give your opinion.

Recruiting an ever-increasing number （题目没有）of younger people by government for the important positions in states has drawn the heated discussion from all walks of life. Is it a sensible decision to put youngsters on those significant positions? ( 删去)It is hard for people to reach an agreement on this sensitive issue. As far as I am concerned, the merits of allowing younger people to take on the crucial jobs in government have prevailed over its demerits as discussed in the following. （ TS 明确）
 

To being with, younger people have played vital role in promoting the working efficiency of government. It is universally acknowledged, building the efficient states necessitates high quality employees mastering all-round knowledge, not only restricted to the theories but also skills of high tech, such as computer.

（ 分析句子成分 ， 论据扩展句不支持你的TS导致没有写好因果关系。扣分点）Enjoying comprehensive education in the university, those youngsters have inherent advantage in operating modern computer software, enabling them to work more efficiently during daily job. （分析句子成分为何写长句？ 控制不好， 语法错误！）As matter of fact, the young staff have contributed a lot to enhancing the governmental efficiency, as well pointed out by Doctor Lee, a leading sociologist in Chinese Academy of Social Sciences.

Next, the youth inject energy and dynamic into the government. Generally, jobs in state are regarded boring and monotonous. Therefore, it is imperative to take measures to make the atmosphere more stimulating. Younger people tend to have strong passion towards the positions, thereby bringing new ideas and concepts to government departments. This point is best illustrated with the example of Shenzhen which affords numerous positions to outstanding young people, making the state more creative and energetic.

On the other hand, enrolling youngsters to take on the important positions in government does not come without its demerits. Apparently, younger people lack working experience in the governmental positions, resulting in some errors at the very beginning. Hence, it is highly recommended, professional job training should be conducted to help the young getting accustomed with the job quickly.

In conclusion, the advantages of affording younger people pivotal positions in government have outbalanced its disadvantages as for abovementioned factors, although there are some other minors.

应该可以7分了， 如果只有 6.5 ， 那是因为你在关键地方写了两个错误的句子。

我的写作成绩出来了，是6.5分。 看了您的点评，我知道自己的问题出在哪里了。考试的时候一味的想写长句子，但是自己把握不好，反而被扣了分数。
 
我知道您对我的期望是7分，但是很遗憾，我没有达到这个分数。但是我还是要真心的谢谢于老师。这几堂课下来。我受到了很大的启发，尤其是在写作的思维方式上面， 我记住了您的话“问什么，答什么”，看似简单，但透露出了东西文化的差异，我相信这对我接下来的学习生涯也是非常有益的。
 
谢谢您！
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